As most of you know I NEVER write journal entries. This just seemed easier than struggling to draw in my sketchbook.

I laid in bed for an hour and couldn’t stop turning. I kept thinking of my studio space. Wanting to be there. Wanting to look at my “stuff”. I have boxes and boxes of found objects, cut up photos and little personal crap that mean nothing to anyone but me. Now its three in the morning and I’m still restless. This is my favorite time to be awake, but I can’t seem to focus on anything. I thought of driving over there tonight but this would only increase Brian’s suspicion of me being not quite right in the head. So instead I worked in my sketchbook for 2 hours. redundant and pointless.

I just did a search for art and came back with a Picasso quote. “Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth”. I must be tired because that hurt my head.

Looking around my room I’m getting very tired. There’s glue, paper, photos, ink, blah, blah, blah. JUNK is scattered everywhere from the last two hours of “creating”. Funny - I feel the need to hide the evidence. I really should think about getting a studio space to live in. I want to be able to stumble from bed to my space and back again.

And my little head just had a revelation.
recently my gallery asked why the hell I wanted to be an artist anyway. And sitting here thinking about being an artist, being in my space, living in my space. That’s what its about. Living with your art. Sounds like a load of crap, but I think creating art part time is killing me. I gave up last year. Stopped going to the studio. Didn’t pick up a pen or brush for over twelve months. What’s wrong with me? I think I’m scared. I find it hard to ease into anything. Its usually all or nothing and I lose myself. I know its especially hard for brian. He never use to see me. I felt awful - really guilty at abandoning him. The last time I really created art I hardly came home. I stayed at the studio all day and late into the nights.

ugh, I’m rambling. Being this tired makes me raw and I’m sure I’ll read this in the morning and being embarrassed - delete everything.

off to bed now. this habit of seeing light filter in the bedroom window before I go to sleep has got to end.

i’m sitting here alone at 2AM jacked up on caffeine. Can’t sleep. Brian just yelled at me for keeping him up. This sucks. I worked all day on flash “banners” and saw the sun for maybe 10 minutes. No time for studio art and I’ll have to cram for my studio show next month. Topping off the superb day? I just found out I’ve missed my favorite band tonight. the White Stripes. Oh, and this nasy-ass henna tatoo I got last week won’t wear off for two more weeks. What the hell was I thinking.

I guess things could be worse. No one’s died, I haven’t been maimed and Wesley Clark is running.

during my visit home last month, brian and I took john with us. We visited wineries the first day and after MANY glasses of wine had the clever idea of buying watermelons from the local Amish and heaving them out our speeding vehicle. Of course it was great fun until Brian threw his a little too hard and hit the roof our own car…”rental” car that is.